As some of you may know, thanks to that zonking huge cover in the right sidebar there, in January this year my debut novel was published by Penguin Books India. And–touch wood, kiss wood, dry hump wood–it has been doing respectably since then. A reprint has happened. Some good reviews have come. And overall we are reasonably pleased. Yes, there was the matter of the Booker shortlist.
But I am over that now.
However this is not to say that life has been all milk and honey and single malts and paal payasam. Not at all. Writing a book itself is fraught with insecurities and doubts and fear of failure. Like any pursuit, I am sure, that is vulnerable to public criticism.
Yet I naively assumed that once the writing process was over, the book published, and the reviews dealt with, the emotional turmoil of it all would be over. I would be free of the book, and vice versa, and life would go on.
Ha ha ha. And I as I say this I am walking down a flight of stairs clapping my hands slowly in a sinister fashion.
Ha ha ha.
I was a fool.
I was entirely unprepared for the petty politics, mini passive aggressions and tiny stabbings in the back that, I now understand, all small-time authors have to deal with.
Writers of greater success and wider critical acclaim don’t have to worry about such things. If you go and try being sly or clever with Rushdie, Naipaul or Seth, I am sure they’ll tear you a new one. (And you could then auction this new one on ebay later for the celebrity premium.)
But small-time writerdom, the vast, soft underbelly of the publishing business, are not spared a single thing. There is no escaping the sly observations, snide remarks and judgmental subtext.
Dear god. The judgmental subtext. That is the worst shit. That play of words where it seems like condescension on the surface but, deep inside, is actually snobbish dismissal. When this happens at Khan Market, and it mostly happens at Khan Market, you want to reach for a shawarma knife and slap them across the face with it.
So if you are a budding author or an ambitious writer, you need to be prepared for the minefield of subtle insult that awaits. In order to help you I herewith list the top 10 passive aggressive things people have told me over the past few months. I hope this will assist in your literary pursuits.
Top 10 ways to be passive aggressive with small-time authors
1. “Hi Sidin. Congratulations. I read your book last week!” *Turns around and walks away*
Interpretation: “Ok listen, I saw your book at Bahri Sons and bought it. Ok so you wrote a book. What do you want me to do? Rip my clothes off and do it with you here in front of Cocoberry? Fat-free chance of that happening! I could have easily written a better book. Whatever. I am not even going to lie to you about it. But in the off-chance you become famous I will come back and leech on your fame and fortune. Till then you are pond-scum to me.”
2. “Wow. Nice. Indian fiction is just so vibrant now no?”
Interpretation: “Bastard. You think you are Rohinton Mistry?? Fool. Stupid book. Just because people buy it doesn’t mean you are some intellectual. Any shit gets published these days. When I say vibrant I mean it in the way that Padma Lakshmi eats Cockroach 65 in Taiwan and says ‘Interesting’. In reality, she wants to throw up. So do I. If you win an award, I will slash my wrists.”
3. “Reprint? Too much boss! A lot of alumni must have bought it…”
Interpretation: “You are worthless without your MBA. If it wasn’t for that diploma from Ahmedabad you’d just be a bottom-feeding loser. And now you and your brotherhood of suit-wearing group-wankers perpetuate your greatness. You disgust me. If I had not graduated from the elite Chengalpet Institute of Tantric Dentistry, annual batch size: 23, my book too would have become super hit. Also can you tell my son how to deal with the Data Interpretation part of CAT?”
4. “Someone just told me about the reprint! Whatay! I’ve been seeing it bookshops everywhere. There are 15 copies at Oxford… super distribution…”
Interpretation: “Cut the crap dude. No one is buying your Dork. When you say reprint, you mean they are reprinting the stupid plot with a new one? Ha ha! Comedy! I am waiting for it to reach Big Bazaar. Unless you can give me a free copy…”
5. “DOOOD! Saw you on NDTV last night. Superb. That’s the benefit of getting people like Penguin on board.”
Interpretation: “Yeah right. Someone at NDTV just *noticed* your book. Pfft. Sure. And the Chengalpet Institute of Tantric Dentistry is a real college. Screw you man. It’s all marketing and bribing and sexual favours. I know how all this works. Ok, I just came back from visiting an important client. I need to take a shower and disinfect myself.”
6. Book journalists: “Arrey, hold on yaar. I haven’t finished reading it yet. Just been really busy. But I like what I see so far.”
Interpretation: “Ok see this is the problem: I don’t want to say anything till some of the other reviewers say something. I like it and all. But what if Jai Arjun Singh says it sucks? Then I don’t want to be seen as having an individual opinion of my own. Remember what happened few years ago when I said that one particular book was average, and then it won the Booker? Therefore I am now as insecure as the Gilgit-Baltistan region. So please wait.”
7. “Really really liked it. Good work. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been. Penguin must have really run you up the wall with editing requests no?”
Interpretation: “Ha ha ha ha ha. You wrote this book on your own? Ha ha ha ha ha. You fraud.”
8. “It was very interesting to see Dork on the bestseller list. Great. It is not my genre, to be honest, but I am really happy for you.
Interpretation: “Have you seen my collection of books? I read Proust man. Proust. And Kafka. Also Saul Bellow. And Paul Auster and Le Clezio. Do you even know what post-modern means? Plebeian asshole. Be gone! Oh, I am so sorry. Plebeian means commoner. A peasant. Just 300 pages, and you call this a book.”
9. “Bought it weeks ago. I have to rush now. Let me email you what I think.”
Interpretation: “Honestly speaking I think it is really nice. But admitting that in front of other people would ruin my high-literary positioning. I have a reputation here and also at the Habitat Center. Admitting to like Ulysses? Maybe. Dork? Poda patti.”
10. “Oh you wrote that book? I got a free copy at that reading at Lodhi. My husband really likes it!”
Interpretation: “Look, my husband is a classless beer-drinking brute. I am the creative one in the family. I attend book readings and debates and do shit for the United Nations. He liked your stuff. But I really married him for his house on Amrita Sher Gill Marg.
Me? Read your nonsense? Dude… I once gave Aravind Adiga a bouquet of flowers in Jaipur. So shut it slave, and bring me some white wine and a cocktail samosa.”
***
Ackowledgements: Cartoon from the NakedPastor. Thanks dude.
lol…
Sidin, whoa! Thanks for a detailed blow-by-blow of what to expect – makes me wonder why other small (or first-)time authors have not highlighted this before. Wonder when you were merely a mallu-super-star blogger, (the Rusdhie or Proust of your own oeuvre) how did these folks respond or you were beneath them then? Wonder what it is about books that brings others insecurities out so much? Guess all worth pondering and in the mean time, watch your back!
Ha ha! Self deprecatory humour at its best 😛 Whatever it is worth, I LOVED it! 🙂 Reviewed it here – http://weekend-wanderings.blogspot.com/search/label/The%20bibliophile%20diaries , just in case!
About #3, I am an IIM reject. And it is worse for me in public places. But of course, I can always choose to not divulge that. You don’t have that choice 😉
Just thought I’d also tell you that I am delurking after years of coming back to your blog for a laugh every time I needed it!
I read the book yesterday, and wanted to say, “How very beautifully you have captured the consultant life! Especially the part on how Subject Matter Experts are created and how presentations with at least 320 slides are created.”Now, I am sceptical about saying that ‘cos I don’t know what interpretation such a comment would get 🙂
Good read! Waiting for parts 2 and 3!
You capture the angst of novice writers with impressive jocundity, humility and without partisan intentions in this little disquisition that gives the peruser some idea of the modus vivendi of the vignettist. I shall anticipate Shklovskian defamiliarization, in much the same vein, of your tome.Oh, and by the way, whatay great work, boss! Keep’em coming.
*ahem*
He he. What do they do in tantric dentistry, actually?
This is hilarious, but very sad if its true.
The post is an exaggeration of course. But yes, some of this stuff does happen.
I would probably throw a No.8 at you. And then ask you the meaning of plebeian. And then throw it back you again.Don’t these guys ask you to ‘put a good word in’ in the same breath as well? Now that could be poetic justice……
Most observations seem quite innocent to me. Why do you interpret them this evilly? Perhaps taking at face value is old fashioned?
Fully old fashioned. Everything has a subtext.
Ok not really.
Now I guess we should see a hidden subtext here too…
Nyaahahaha. Nonsense. 🙂
Nice post. As always, really funny. I, for one, was disappointed with your book though. It started off well but got really boring after a while. I prefer your blog posts 🙂
Totally agree with Pooja here.. I absolutely looove reading your blog posts, but I was very disappointed with the book. Was expecting something on a different genre to be honest..
Aho! Alas!
No problem. We shall work harder next time!
Thanks P and P
You seem to be suffering from symptoms of paranoia.Anyways, I say, Average book. Agressive marketing. No big deal.
Full pent-ups coming out! But then, as people say, what are blogs for! Will wait to read the World War thing in 2012. Black Adder + ‘kaamedy’ has to be irresistable (Subtle wink from fan)!
Ayyo world war comedy? No no. No chance. It will be serious and boring. With Black And White photos.
Thank you though. You atleast restored my reputation! You completely destroyed me in your earlier blogposts! (Not that I forgive you for that…) – BB Kutty.
liked it.. the book n this post. ( n now hopefully this statement would have some interpretation!)
I shall revert shortly with what you REALLY meant. 🙂
Well, you are perhaps reading too much into these remarks. I am sure some of these guys are insanely jealous of your successful debut, but it may be simply because they are expected to come up with a reaction on the spot since they know you. So their ambitions, personalities, their personal equation you etc. comes up. Have a thick skin and enjoy your success.
I’m dissapointed that you’re taking all this in. Like someone wise said “Resentment is letting someone live rent free in your mid”.
Chill man. Be a karma yogi! Screw the critics.
Chill only.
Sidin
As someone who has finished the book just this morning and as someone who has been reading your blog since 2002 (am sure I mustve forwarded your south indian men post to some 100 ppl!), I shud say some comments in the post abt the book were’nt very off the mark. As in, I really think that this IIT IIM guy turned into writer has now become a little too much for us to take. And I would love to see you all writing something beyond your own life experience to actually be termed as ‘writer’ else you will at best be a good diary writer…
Dont get me wrong I love comedy but I feel that it shd be interespersed with a story line you cant expand a blog post to book and expect to get good reviews…(u might hv got some – I would still say hail marketing for that!)
BTW, pls dont fall into the old artistic trap of classifying people into good and bad depending on their like/ dislike of your work..i STILL recommend whatay to all my friends
I simply expected something more substantial from you than plain superficial stuff–btw dork is way too gender biased man..that i guess comes from years of education in institutes where women are less than standard sample size…
am already waiting for dork trilogy to get over and to see you get to the standards of darlymple whom you obviously rever…!
Thanks man. Not classifying anyone or anything. And in fact not even being particularly paranoid.
There just are a lot of fakes. And they drive me up the wall.
Otherwise everything is ok. People like the book. Many people deeply dislike it.
And indeed a couple of non-Dork type projects are afoot. But baby steps first.
Good to see you here again.
Arre u r in Delhi now and still hating the fakes?? I thought the city was full of them – so better watch out 🙂
Know what- the intellectual fakes are the best if you ask me, I personally cant stand the brand fakes and ‘connection’ fakes from Delhi!
And hating the book is like getting ‘below expectations ‘ in a Performance appraisal ( the expectations were high for you – the SIDIN na??
Won’t shit too much just loved it. Never knew about the book thing. No doubt Dork is next. I tried my cheap trick (Free PDF) but didn’t succeed. My Bad.
Thanks Man m/
loved yr book. read it twice back to back and liked yr tongue-in-cheek style. go man go.
loved your book. thanks for all those chuckles.
What about “Oh you wrote a book? Where can I get a copy”
Not surprising. Your book was as lame as a a guy with full blown polio.
Go get a real job and stop kidding yourself.
At least you’re a big hit with the chicks! After all, 30+ hags trying to “git wit it” with their attempted youth story crap are hot and original.
http://closedopen.tumblr.com/post/1267962309/dork-by-sidin-vadukut
you can add this to your list.”I like this blog post better than the book”
–> No, really, I am kidding. I read it. It was fun. I did catch myself denying I liked it, in front of my pseudo-intellectual type friends, so, like next time, could you put in some Proust and Kafka type things in there? Gee, thanks much.
Surprising. I liked most of your posts and all your funny pitches for the book and self-deprecating type of humor on the dork subsite (its the book you carry on the plane so they can rescue you in the dark etc.) This venty rant comes across as rather insecure.
Its not clear at all if you were trying to do another self-sendup posing as an “insecure small time writer looking for validation from reviewers and reacting angrily to any imagined slight”… it doesnt come off, *the pose* I mean. If it was a pose you should have stilted it up a bit more.
If you wanted to go after them in good earnest, I wish you could have kept the name-calling out of it (Bxstxrd. fool. plebeian xsshxlx. fraud. slave…. etc. etc. ) and included more of the deadly stuff like “as insecure as Gilgit-Baltistan” 🙂 That’s the way really.
If you wanted to do the pose, you could have left the Gilgit, cockroach-65, cocktail samosa etc.parts out and just load more abuse terms. Very unfunny it would be, but the role woulda clicked and we’d know its only an act.
thx,
Jai
Sidin.. WOW.. I’m trying to write a book myself, and just reading your comments is scaring me! DAMNED. But No, I liked your book and I think you’re funny! Not condescending. You dont need that shit. But I’m shit scared of all that criticism. How do you deal with that? Maybe you should write a post about that? 🙂
Pretty insecure for otherwise light-hearted Sidin I must say. I personally could relate to most of the situations in the book may be cos of a B-school background. So what if some ppl couldnt? And what if it actually didnt belong to someone’s genre of reading? Do you need to be so arsenic? Doing no good to you I think. Chill.cheers
dude u r a piece of work….!!!! loved your dork… cant wait the dorkqueels..!!! awesome stuff… your style of writing is totally cool.. especially when u can connect to the mallu puns..!! total adipoli..!!! great stuff again..!!! would love to read more articles from you..!!!
hahaha..Well Ok frankly I haven’t read the book cos it hasn’t hit the Singapore Library bookshelves as yet..Yeah I’m a cheapskate.
But I could see the ‘laaaauuv’ that sprang forth from this email 🙂 Tough going and a good heasd up for us remaining struggling writers…gulp did I say that aloud?:)
uffff! my stomach is aching with the unending laughter!I will definitely read the book! Will buy it if I have some free time after I am done with my manicure, visit to the cat shelter and once i have finished writing the tenth book in the series- ‘why I am in love with sparkly vampires’. pfffff! I have such a lot of important stuff to do, no? 😛
(sorry if the intended sarcastic humour sucked!)