WYSIWYG my gluteus maximus…

by sidin in

I was walking back to my room from class when I saw it peeking out from under the door. Yellow paper, green and red lettering and, from a distance, the increasingly clear background image of... god forbid... a pizza. UGH. It was yet another Dominoes flyer.

One of the greatest evils of contemporary marketing and advertisement has to be food publicity. How many times must the poor unsuspecting consumer be mislead by pictures of overly-topped pizzas, on-the-verge-of-exploding burgers and digitally enhanced chocolate bars? Ever seen those ads where they insist their latest sweet offering will melt in your mouth? Provided your running a 105 degree fever that is.

What I want to know is this. How come the guy who cooked the stuff you have on your pictures never works in any of your outlets? Your flyer clearly mentions that its freshly baked with a generous topping of mushroom. I feel good. Mushroom. I love mushrooms. So I order the super galactic buttered mushroom extravaganza.

There was a deathly silence when the box was opened. There was a sliver each of mushroom on five of the six slices. The other one was sticking to the roof of the box, hanging on for its dear mushrooomy life. Inside I have a sudden sinking feeling. I hate every food publicising company in the world. It was as if there was this guy in a pizza delivery suit and a southern accent speaking to me:

"I want to say one thing to the pizza buying people, I'm going to say this again. I did not reduce mushroom topping on that pizza, the super galactic buttered mushroom extravaganza. I never told anybody to save mushroom. Not a single time. Never. These allegations are false and I need to go back to work for the pizza people."

It doesnt stop at food only though. Ever seen board game covers? The imported ones or indian made foreign ones. Ahh look the entire family is having the time of their lives. They dont go camping, or to a park or museum. No easily misled world, they just sit at home in colour coordinated clothes and play "Rrapchick" all day long. I have bought so many board games as a child. I have fallen for every board game cover scam in the business. "For all ages from 10 to 100", "Hours of endless fun for the entire family", "Develops academic skills and strategy".

I believed all that when I bought "Risk". "Conquer the world, outwit your opponents". Yeah yeah, bring it on. After spending two weeks learning the rules I discovered it takes more time to finish a game of Risk than melting that chocolate thing in your mouth. I played two full games before my younger brother said I could actually conquer the world in that time if I tried. And with little more than small green plastic dice. And yes it will develop your academic skills, if you had the IQ of a masala dosa to start with. Endless fun?? Mindless nincompoopery was more like it. Dammit. Scammed yet again.

"The Fandango family erupts in joy and academic understanding after another masterful Risk move by the oldest son. He is flanked on the left by his sister and on the right by a potted plant. After winning the game Jason mentioned: Risk is my favorite board game. The game got nasty, even violent. Christina grabbed my arm; I slapped her hand; she slapped my face."

The only enduring board game we had at home was Scrabble. That we played a lot. We still do with friends at a cafe near FR in Ahmedabad. And thats a game which normally has nothing on the wrapper or box. An honest board game. Theres nothing quite like wrapping up a good game of scrabble with a high scoring word like "quazxynopia" accompanied by a generous swig of Cafe Barbarossa. Cafe Barbarossa is a full bodied espresso based coffee with generous splashes of Tiramisu and caramelised coconut shavings. They say its the fave coffee of the year and everyone from Sao Paulo to Rio De Janeiro is hooked to it. I can't wait to try it out. The photo on the menu is soooo irresistable...