Mieux vaut tard que jamais

by sidin in

Yawn. Have one class today at 4:25 in the evening. So I slept like a log till mid-day, lunched, ran a virus check and here I am. Sorry for not having anything up by morning. There is only so much I will do for no money. (Though I must admit it has been hot in the comments sections... Ladies ladies... one by one...)

Finally got a Dave Barry compendium. The one with him sitting in a pool wearing a suit. And it dissapointed me. Not his writing. The guy is fantabulous. He is my third favorite role model. (After Peter North and Mohanlal...) No what upset me was this blurb from the NY Times on the cover. "Mr. Barry is the funniest man in America and we should encourage him. Buy this book."

Dammit. If the funniest man in America needs that sort of support, I dont even want to contemplate writing a book. Even if I was the funniest man. I think it just proves the point. People love comedy but wont buy it. I can see someone reading my book at one of those big bookstores and thinking..."Haha.. this guy is funny... how much is this book.. whoa... now where was that "Cannibal Co-eds in Hotpants"..?"

You don't see "please buy this" blurbs on Penthouse Letters do you?

Talking of blurbs, have you read the ones on any of those Dan Brown books. Good god. It must be an art form in itself. I'm sure there are these entire departments in book companies writing them. And they can make anything sound supercool. Hmm.. lets say they were going to reprint something boring and slow. Like any prescribed textbook at IIMA. Suppose they had to sell telephone directories. The blurbs:

"Staggering character detail. Breathtaking scope and breadth. A magnum opus. Two Thumbs Up..."

"If you like numbers The Chennai Yellowpages is the perfect book for you. Its got millions and more. An all night page-turning addiction. I wont be surprised if this flies off the shelf..."

"Finally the natural successor to the Western Railway Timetable. An inescapable work of research and complexity. Pathbreaking in detail, gut-wrenching in relentless, brilliant suspense..."

"If theres a better work in alphabetic name ordering BUY IT!!!"

"From the best-selling author of the Pharmacies Almanac of India, another formidable work of scholarship. Go on vacation just to read it on the plane..."

Where do I apply to be a blurb writer...?

The idea of being a superhero really tickled my fancy. (Horrid term that, "tickle my fancy". I can't think of one part of my body I would call fancy. Well crafted maybe, but not fancy.) But then I sat and thought about various aspects of a superhero's life. And guess what. I dont think its a bed of roses as it is made out to be.

No I think the superhero would have a pretty ordinary life. In as much as he would hate going to work everyday, and even if he liked it he would have to cope with the wife and family. (For the purpose of analysis let us make up a superhero. Lets call him "Fantabulous MBA-man".)

Fantabulous MBA-man (FM): Honey, I'm leaving. Will be a little late tonight.
Wife: You listen to me Mr. Fantabulous MBA-man. You promised we'll go for the childrens' school play. You better be here by 7.
FM: But theres a meteor heading for earth as we speak. I have to save the world.
Wife: Why cant you save the world tomorrow?
FM: Darling you know as well as I do that Superman is down with the flu and Mega-Nri Mallu-man is gone to native place for his vacation. There is noone else.
Wife: What about Ultra-quick Digestion Man?
FM: He did badly on his last quarter evaluation. HR has transferred him to back office for two months.
Wife: And I bet you'll be flying around with that scantily clad "ThunderThighsWoman" fighting your pesky meteor...
FM: Darling we have a professional relationship. And besides she doesnt like wearing that but thats all the uniform allowance she gets. Next year I swear she'll get something better ok...
Wife: Sob sob... you dont care for us anymore. You beat that "Zero Libido Man", "Mr. Vegetarian" and "Professor Halitosis"... But you dont even once ask whats happening at home and to the children...
FM: Baby, you know I love you. Its the hours and the work. I just dont have energy for anything else. Darling you dont love me anymore?
Wife: I love you. But I need you at home. My man has to be at home...
FM: I swear as soon as I make it to a Grade 2 Superhero I'll be home a lot more ok. I'll spend quality time with the children...
Wife: Everyday I look at "Time and Space Distorter Man" and his family and wonder why we cant have the same...
FM: But he can... never mind baby... It'll all change soon.
Wife: Sob sob... ok...
FM: Babydoll as soon as I get "Horrible Gult Accent Man" trained and ready I should really have a shot at the top. Someday I will be up there with "Perfumed Flatulence Man" and the supreme council. With my own super car, super jet and comic book series.
Wife: bye love and take care...


FM: Hello, darling, I have to stay back for a while. HR wants us to fill in our "Weekly Lives Saved" report and budget "Lives saved after unforseen tragedies" for next year.
Wife: That was the last straw Fantabulous MBA-man. If you want me I will be having a few drinks with "Increase Organ Sizes At Will Man"'s place.
FM: Dammit she cut the phone... Wait a minute... "Increase Organ Size at will Man????!!!"...

See suddenly I dont want that life anymore... I think I'll just seduce a rich single dowager types with my physique (read body hair) and live for ever in peace and her-money.

P.S. That superhero thing would make a killer sitcom no???

P.P.S. I started Business French classes today. In three months I should have an accent, lose weight and have a goatee. Then I will call myself Pierre... then the comments on the blog should really get wild...

P.P.P.S Days after I get a 1 GB Gmail account, now I have a 1 GB Rediffmail account. What the f@#$ is wrong with the world? What the hell am I? Customer Complaints at ICICI bank???