(Moments after posting this I was inundated with emails saying there were porn movies already named with some of the stuff we came up with below. I was deeply saddened. How come I never saw any of them... Alas you have been warned. Now dont tell me I am a plagiarist. By the way the next post is about a sailor who gets stranded on an island and wakes up to find it is inhabitted by people much smaller than he is. Promises to be a hit. Take that you finger pointers...)
"A bestseller by any other name" or "What inspiration from a moonlit night..."
Was strolling down Marine Drive with a rather pissed Frodo (roommate) after dinner. Another Crystal affair complete with Dal Makhni and Aam Ras. Found a nice spot on the cement embankment, away from the spray, and sat down to contemplate on life. What to do next and so on.
Was it the full moon, a vigorous breeze or Frodo's mellow ghazals. Brainwave. If you've walked into any popular VCD store you must have seen those fraud sequels to smash hits. Things like "Titanic 2: The Britannic" or "Speed 3: No Stop Signs" and trash like that. And unsuspecting afficionados seemed to lap them up. I intend to take it one step further. Why not publish a whole range of male chauvinist raunchy soft porn thriller novels all named to sounds like best sellers. Suddenly the neurons revved up. Frodo was in the act as well. (Read further only if thou hast no taste issues.)
How about a fleshful novel set in the Wild West? Buxom yankee belles and valiant cowboys. Daring gunfights. The villains are Red Indians of course. Out to consume the beauties and outwit their impostor protectors. Ghost towns, dusty trails and sprawling ranches. The story of course just an excuse to host steamy scenes that will sell the book in dozens. We will call it "The Shaft of the Mohicans".
Then there is that alltime great maritime saga of seafaring adventurers and mutineering crew. A map. Once thought to be lost for good. But now in the hands of a poor innkeeper. Poor he may be, but built like a young stallion and the looks to match too. So he finds his confidant the Doctor and set out on a voyage to recover the long lost treasure. Little do they expect a traitor most vile in their midst. The cook!!! Yes he has plans of his own. The search soon ends in murder and mutiny. Now our righteous heroes will need every ounce of their.. err... energy to fight off the villains and recover what is theirs by law of the seas. Sound familiar? Only this time there are women on the ship. And a lot of them. And the island is no longer devoid of song, dance and ... ahem... action of the amorous kind. With a name like "Pleasure Island" I see the money in the bank already.
We quickly go to ancient Greece. The infamous chariot race. Spikes in the wheels. Thats foul play indeed!!! But why is our hero marked for death by the rich patrician bad man? Because handsome and fierce he may be but immune to a fair maiden he is not. And when the fair maiden is the one and only daughter of a local lord, the hero a servant, and the lord walks in at a rather inopportune moment, much action can be expected. They decide to settle it as all men of honour in Greece did. Wearing wrap around skirts, lace up sandals and racing chariots. Thus our saga is the consummate page turner of true love and valour, with the glamour of a period masterpiece. Called "Ben??? HER??!!!" of course.
Then there is the book that doesnt even need a play on words. Indeed it is ideal for a good romp already. We tell the rivetting story of a man who is fascinated by muses in jeans. Before they can say "Tandurustikirakshakarthaheylifebuoy" our maestro has enamoured them. Off come the faded denims. His fingers work like magic. This magnum opus will be titled "Lord of their flies" ... Kaching!!!!
As the night wore on and butt after butt hit the cement, we knew we were onto something big here. Now only if we could come up with something a little contemporary. Something that the consumer would instantly take to...
The fertile minds rallied on. And we had two ideas that were top notch. The runnerup was the heart rending story of the man who needs surgery. In a hospital with the nicest of nurses. But theres a war going on so uniforms are a premium. He lies there trying to woo the charms of a charming little thing. Alas she finds the ace pilot lying next to him more tantalizing. His sleep is rendered ineffective by the incessant creak. And then suddenly it all changes. Something happens just before surgery to bring them closer. Our hero passes out while getting his bowels cleansed before the operation. She is needed by his side night and day. This pulsating action packed thriller will make waves. "Sleeping with the enema" is begging to hit the presses.
But the out and out champion concept was a rip-roaring action packed goldmine. Its a dark cold night in the Louvre. Three shots ring out. Our hero is rushed to the exhibition hall to find the body placed in a grotesque shape. Then he learns to his horror that the dying man distorted his body himself. All clues lead to the Mona Lisa. But the spice is yet to come. A raunchy college girl moves in with him to "help" him solve the case. But she has secrets of her own. Voila!!! 250 pages of enough steam to drive a train. We will call our masterpiece "The DaVinci Co-ed".
Publishers please mail with quotes and royalty details.
(For people with varied tastes we are also contemplating a disaster novel called "The Gay after Tomorrow" and a humorous thumping good read about solitude titled "Atlas Shagged". So come one come all.)
Have a good day.