An open letter to Freddie Flintoff
Dear Mr. Flintoff,
It was my privilege to see the India - England Twenty20 match last night live on TV. You will agree that it was quite a memorable match of cricket especially because India won and once again proved without doubt that England should restrict itself to inventing games but not actually expect to win any of them. This is a small selection of such sports and games for your perusal:
- Football
- Cricket
- Tennis
- Hockey
- Rugby
- Badminton
- Anything that involves running (except running industry to ground), throwing (except throwing up outside pub) and jumping (except jumping on head of supporter of rival football team).
I am not trying to rub this into you in any fashion except that, when I really think about it, I am.
But while I try to wipe the grin off my face I also want to highlight the crux of this correspondence. The essence of this letter is to prevent you from committing again, the very grave mistake you did yesterday.
I am referring to that moment before the nineteenth over when you walked up to Mr. Yuvraj Singh and told him something that made Mr. Singh very very angry. If I remember correctly Mr. Singh approached you rapidly with cricket bat in one hand, I think right, before the umpire restrained him and saved you from buying a new English face post-match.
Of course we all know what happened next. Mr. Singh went on to thulp six sixes in the next over which was lovingly presented to him by one Mr. Stuart Broad. I do not know how this comes across in English but in most parts of North India they would say that “Yuvaraj Singh made England’s mother and sister into one…”
I know you are now regretting this move and wished you had not riled Mr. Yuvaraj Singh so.
Earlier today it occurred to me that you may have committed this folly because of a certain ignorance of the finer aspects of India’s great ethnic diversity.
So I have taken it upon myself to inform and educate you on how to avoid such mistakes when playing against India again.
The first thing you do, when you feel garrulous on the field of play, is that you gently check up on their surnames.
Let us take the case of Yuvaraj Singh.
If you observe carefully you will notice that his surname is Singh.
You can do it. Try again.
When you observe this surname on an Indian person in a competitive setting, such as a cricket match, traffic or in a crowded disco, you do not rub them the wrong way. In fact you avoid conversation at all costs. I would go so far to say that you complement them on their looks/wealth/health and relieve the location of your presence immediately.
While I am not a Singh myself I have had the opportunity to interact with several Singhs many of whom, inspite of my jokey, sarcastic demeanour, did not impel me to undertake critical surgery of any kind.
But that is because I said NOTHING. NADA. NIL.
This is a very good policy to follow with Singhs.
Singhs, by and large, are some of the most jovial people in India. They love a good meal, heady drink and back slapping good humour. They work hard at whatever they do, party all night to the most infectious music and believe in living life to the fullest.
I know some Singhs who have two washing machines at home: one for washing clothes and the other for making Lassi. (True Fact.)
But within this merry, albeit cholesterol full, demeanour hides a race that can rapidly combust when angered. When the average Singh has been driven to wrath he often throws things, throws things at things and sometimes drives things through other things. Such one other thing, once I observed, was a tractor.
And it’s not just action but also words. And whatay words!
Rivaled in his insulting fervour only by a hardcore Chennai Tamilian from a suburb like Washermanpet, the average Singh can run through entire generations of Flintoffs, bestowing individual terms of endearment, without ever using the same abuse twice, or waiting to catch his or (this is the scary part) her breath.
I am, incidentally married to a lass from the Punjab which contains many many Singhs. Whenever I leave laundry lying around or forget to pay the Power bill she immediately updates me of my responsibility by reminding of who I am, where I came from, what will happen to my tender parts and where I will end up in the long term all in one succinct, crisply delivered sentence that would make an average member of the Barmy Army fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness at which point she may let him off with a minor rap across the knuckles with a fridge or sofa.
She also has this fearsome backhanded slap across the face that you hear moments after it hits you because, when sufficiently angered, her palm moves faster than sound.
You may also like to know about one Mr. Navjot Singh Sidhu who used to don India’s blue many moons ago and is today a well-known cricket commentator and TV presenter of ill-repute.
Mr. Sidhu once had a minor tiff with another individual in a traffic-related situation. Now I am aware that Englishmen also get into traffic tiffs and then resolve it by hurling abuse at each other or a little pushing and shoving.
Mr. Sidhu, after due thought and introspection, killed the other man. Kaput. Khallas. Phineesh.
Which is why you should be thankful that Yuvraj Singh hit that ball for six so many times rather than, oh off the top of my head, your kneecaps.
And finally I must tell you about an old friend of mine in engineering college. A Singh of, until this incident, mild repute.
Somehow it transpired that a friend of his was made fun of and minorly slapped about by a ridiculous fellow in the NRI quota who, like you, was unaware of surname based profiling.
My friend, on hearing of the news, walked toward the perpetrator’s room, picked me up on the way to clean up after, along with a large hollow concrete brick the size of Gladstone Small and barged in.
He swung, I jumped up, perpetrator passed out, he missed and the brick proceeded speedily through an entire wooden bookcase, right through a Sony stereo system and a stack of CDs before ending up wedged well between my legs. Thankfully it missed my belly by a few inches and hit me full on the cojones (ka-ho-nees).
At the time it was not much fun. Over the weeks we learned to laugh at the whole thing but not too much because I had bladder control issues for a while.
So, in closing, I ask you to refrain from such verbal excesses in future. Currently we have Mahendra Singh Dhoni, R.P. Singh, Harbhajan Singh and of course Yuvraj Singh in the team. And perhaps in time, because there is no logic or cricketing reason to do so, BCCI may pick VRV Singh as well.
Keep your trap shut.
Namaste London,
Sidin Sunny Vadukut
p.s. Next week I will write to you to tell you why you should also be wary of South Indian Cricketers even if they are named after popular breakfast and tiffin items.
hahhaha, damn, I was laughing so loud me work-mates came to see what happened!!!
Very much true about SINGHs
and Washing machine thing… hehehe
Really gud one
Keep writing……….
nice.
Why would you do such a thing?
If indeed it was some ill considered comments that set Yuvraj on fire yesterday then if anything else, we should be encouraging Flintoff/Nasser/Shastri/anybody who will actually listen to engage in full fledged sledging.
I’ll be at the India Aus ODI in Bangalore, and I would pay the extra bucks for a seat near the pavilion so I can tell Yuvraj how Ponting was speculating about YS’s relationship with his mother, and whisper to Dhoni the nasty things Brett Lee said about his hairstyle.
(Except of course, that I dont believe our lads have it in them to repeatedly convert anger into focused action.)
entertaining post.
” 2 washing machines “.. ROTFL..
[...] this mofo - A open letter to Flintoff by an Indian fan Really hilarious, enjoy An open letter to Freddie Flintoff | Domain Maximus __________________ The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the [...]
[...] An open letter to Freddie Flintoff. A must read. And put the coffee down before [...]
“Yuvaraj Singh made England’s mother and sister into one…”
Ha ha! He so *totally* did.
Y’know, I vaguely remember a time when Sachin used to do that too…damn I miss those days!
Awesome post, btw.
Nothing could’ve have captured the result better than this line!
Laughing all the way!!
verrry nice,
you should warn Skepticus about riling said Singh woman by proposing to her better half..
She did, however, pretend that it was the beer that might have made any propositions.
‘Pretend’? ‘PRETEND’??
Tsk! This is what comes of mixing with those who know not the ways of The Beer. Or the CS.
Walk towards The Beer, my friend…walk…towards…The Beer!
*weary sigh*
Oh what?! My net connection goes on the blink and suddenly my name is being blackened?? On YOUR blog, Sidin? Will you let this happen?
Shiju, m’boy, I would not rile said Singh woman (or any Singh woman for that matter), if my life depended on it (which in a weird way, it sort of does). Please to note proposal was made when *both* proposer and propos-ee we’re single and (it was assumed) ready to mingle.
Not that any ‘mingling’ took place, I must add.
One small correction suggested…
Instead of saying
“…Which is why you should be thankful that Yuvraj Singh hit that ball for six so many times rather than, oh off the top of my head, your kneecaps….”
It should be
“…Which is why you should be thankful that Yuvraj Singh hit “those two balls” (one which fell in gutter after first six and other which got thumped for five times) for six so many times rather than, oh off the top of my head, your kneecaps….”
dude!! so frkin bored of ur musings based on stupid racial profiling!!
yes..we know tht ur wife is punjabi…we know tht u r a ‘fat mallu’..but to keep spewing yarns upon yarns based on the same bldy stereotypes of the aggro punjabi or the NRI mallu is, to put it lightly, SAD! and if i see any more mention of ‘bin tere sanam’ in any more of ur posts, i’ll just roll over n die!
cmon, i know we all keep goin back to the same ‘travails’ post, but u r overdoin this big time…ur debut on rediff was average..ppl kept comparin u to rahul phondke, and at this rate, ur stay thr wud b a brief one..this is not meant to be abusive..am one of the earlier converts..been following domain maximus for well over 3 yrs now..don b fooled by the gushings of newbies…they don hav a clue wht they r talkin abt…
its kinda sad to see u dryin up..Domain Maximus used to be better..much better..
Racial profiling yes. But damn frickin’ funny nevertheless! And ‘England’s mother and sister into one’ was touche.
haha.. just saw the video of said slaughter..
out.of.control.
I can understand the perennial terror that you’ are surrounded in.My brother married to a punju(i guess he still is) did a vanishing act to Dubai leaving his cushy ToI job.That incident in college ,God forbid,I don’t want to see another post in DM with a headline”la esposa del Sidin partimos los cojones”.HaHaHaHaHaHaHa.You are getting better in the craft.
best of whatays.. very funny
[...] has some advice for Mr. Flintoff. The essence of this letter is to prevent you from committing again, the very grave mistake you did [...]
ROFL! But I disagree, the BCCI really ought to put Flintoff on retainer and send him to all the India matches so they can sledge the team to victory. They should try everything once.
All I can think of is “Chak De Phatte”.
Wow! One of your best.
That was a funny … hey, wait a minute …
Nice one!! Hilarious on the “mother-sister” thingy!! too good!!
“large hollow concrete brick the size of Gladstone Small ” hehe!
And oh just for kicks, please mention ‘bin tere sanam’ in one more post.
Nice one!! Hilarious on that washing machine thing
Just when I started thinking that you were losing out on form..
Nice.. Very nice..
Speaking of South Indian cricketers, who can forget Sreeshant’s dance a year back in a match against South Africa.
ha ha haa..
Hillarious!!
Keep it up mite
Amazing.. ROFL ….First they try bribing India with sweets(read jelly beans) and then Freddie tries to use the vocab he learnt in high school …….the Brits dont learn from their mistakes( we dont want them to learn too :D) …
Feeling quite important, aren’t we? Win a cricket game against England, did we? As always, one match won or lost and out comes some rather extreme talk.
Flintoff’s riling of Yuvraj could have gone either way. If Yuvraj had gotten out by playing a skier in his anger (like he often has), people like you would be writing about how he should grow up and not let sledging affect him. Flintoff is a jovial fellow too who likes his drink. Bit of a gentle giant but not too many want to rub him the wrong way. He sledged Yuvraj hoping to get into his skin and get him out. What’s wrong with that? Didn’t happen this time so what? Might happen the next time.
It is no reason to start telling Flintoff about the great warriors of India (whose grandfathers… mine too… somehow managed to serve the English for 200 years without trying to blow their heads off). Yuvraj hit six sixes… he kept quiet and did something… great! You’re just making noise… cheap. I’m embarrassed that I’ve got wankers like you in my country who get so carried away by little victories and defeats that they have to write open letters about them.
Cool man! Enjoy the moment! Gyan later! ok
chill dude, if you didn’t notice, this is called humour…
yes this is humor..stale humor!!
Hang on!! Identify humor….and appreciate…
You must be one of those boring Gyan Gurus in college… don’t do this…don’t do that kinda stuff….sheeesh….Grow up
PERFECT!!! May be the writer of the open letter can get some tips on how to write an open letter from Ravi. And Ravi….I say again…perfect dude…our people need eye-openers!
I have been reading regularly, though was one of those invisible types. Anyways, THIS is the kind of column you should have in rediff!! Hilarious! Wish I could write this sexily!!
Fat Mallu, eh? Aiyyo Rama, he’s fishing again.
What about the proposals, eh?
J.A.P.
Mine letter too:
Mr Flintoff,
Please STFU and GFU !!!!! Have sex with Eunuches you homosexual drags!
Regards
hahahaha …. yaar maza aa gaya is baar padh ke .. good post
the mother sister thing totally cracked me up .. lol
SSA to babhiji
-One of the ‘Singhs’
all hail Flintoff !!
>> “Yuvaraj Singh made England’s mother and sister into one…”
ROFL MAO =)) =))
awesome awesome …
Hil-f***in-arious……Just amazing Sidin……Had me guffawing in office before I showed it to the rest of the guys and we had a great laugh…Keep it comin…..
And the best line was “Yuvaraj Singh made England’s mother and sister into one…”.
Cannot get better
Man this is hillarious…I have recently become a fan of your writing and your blog roll looks very impressive. Keep up the good work.
That was bloody awsome..sent a copy of it to my friend…who is coincedently a singh
Yuvraj’inde sixers chullan ayirningil sidin’inde post vedikettu ana. kalakki mashe.
That is Sidin at his best. Truly hilarious. All of India’s T20 matches were exciting.
“Yuvaraj Singh made England’s mother and sister into one…”
Sidin you are officially a punjabi now!!
Hey buddy .. it was excellent. Not just because it was for our team member but your mind which took out such a excellent words settling that at right place as well as your sense ….
You are right that Singhs are really dengerous if u fingure them and that was done two time to Yuvi… 5 sixes and Flint made him remember that.
Funny post. Think Flintoff may have tried a sardar joke.
Hahahahhaha!..agree with the sardar-josh totally:)
Waiting for your post on being wary of South Indians…That should be something to look forward to!
Keep it going:D
Hang in there Sidin - u’ll make it. ‘Tis funny…
And what about chucking jelly beans? What is the recommended code of conduct in such cases?
[...] found this hilarious piece about the Flintoff-Yuvraj [...]
ha ha…. I was laughing so hard… man … what a description of Singh… now I too am wary of them….
this was zimply too good…. ROTFL.. yeah Flintoff will def take notice…
this should feature in JAM’s next issue !
im still in splits !
whatte wonderful way of putting things
Aweshummmmm post!!! ROFL. Sidin is back with a bang!!!!
good to see u back in form. maa behen ek kar diya translation if ridiculously funny.
[...] night we visited NIR and Co. at their apartment with plans in mind of kinds “making mothers and sisters into one” . I think we are born and kept alive for days like these, witnessing oxymoron like *Australia [...]
Wow…what an amazing piece of writing… hats off to you!! Its HILARIOUS!!!
Anyway…i love watching the video of the sixes each day..pumps me up…the anger, the ego shown is just mind blowing.
Hope that the PAKIS get kicked even worse tomorrow…maybe 8 sixes in an over..a no ball would help
Simply put
“There is no stopping an IDEA whose time has come” i guess in this case its’ INDIA!!!
Yes, only two of those sports that you mentioned were ‘invented’ by the English. Also they could kick any anotomical object of India’s mother or sister in most of those, invented by them or not.
But, yeah, cool! In your face, Flintoff! Albeit this time.
[...] with you at 1230 GMT, which is at 1800 IST. Until the start, you might want to read up this lovely letter to Fred Flintoff from another [...]
Worth a Nobel for humour - make it two…should be engraved on stone and left outside Kingsmead..so that aane waali peedhiyan bhi ….!
[...] with you at 1230 GMT, which is at 1800 IST. Until the start, you might want to read up this lovely letter to Fred Flintoff from another [...]
Chak De SID(IN)DIA !!!
amazing stuff bro!
ROFL
keep writing and posting
and my regards to bhabhi ji with supersonic hands as well
dude,
Just for your info
Hockey is an indian game. english people did not invent that
excellent. if anyone knows (and i am sure a billion+ Indians would) have contacts into the media and publishing industry, get this printed in one of the london based daily’s that would be brilliant. bloody poms..bloody aussies..
Outright hilarious post!!
I will come to catch more!
Btw, you might like one about Yograj Singh (Yuvraj’s father) take on Yuvi’s six sixes, etc:
http://viveksharmaiitd.blogspot.com/2007/09/googlies-yuvraj-is-crown-prince.html
[...] Bong’s hilarious and witty tribute to India’s T20 victory. Looks lik