Shopping with the enemy…
Ganapati Bappa Moriya!!!
Everything and everybody in Mumbai has officially taken a backseat to the pot-bellied god of success and good beginnings. It is going to be my first Ganesh Chaturthi in Mumbai and this time it most definitely will be more than a convenient holiday to plan strategic leave-taking around. Pavilions housing idols and large loud speakers are erected several to every kilometre of road. And the city needs its fair share of good blessings, so play and pray on!!!
But I did work till lunch today and have spent the rest of the day doing nothing. And feeling great about it. There is Will and Grace on TV, Pineapple juice and ice in a glass and the weather is not too bad. One of those feel-good days when you finally feel like powering up Wordpad and thumping out a piece of one’s mind. Oh and of course there is Liar Liar on TV in a while and Maura Tierney is cute, delectable, warm and fuzzy. Of course not all holidays are this laid back and fun you know. A few weekends ago I was in Chennai with a bosom buddy of mine and she insisted we go shopping for clothes. It had been many moons since I had wafted in the welcome heady aroma of Tiruppur-fresh tshirts and enticing rustle of large shopping bags. So I was looking forward to a couple of hours of lazing between the aisles at Westside. (Westside, I am proud to say, has the largest collection of clothing for the dimensionally challenged. Unlike other stores they do not hideaway their double-x sizes in a corner. They cater to their well-fed customers and are proud of it. Almost everything is available in large and airy sizes.) We had a movie at 4. So we had all the time to choose in peace.
So there was I, armed to the teeth with consumer credit in my wallet, when she uttered those dreadful words. “I need to buy a couple of tops for myself too…”. My heart skipped a decent number of beats and my mouth fell wide open. Good God!!! What had I done? Going out with a woman and buying her stuff is the second most dangerous thing a guy can do, it closely follows going out with a woman and not buying her anything. My dreams of blissful moments in a trial room holding in my belly now lie shattered. But I nary not mention my displeasure and dread and off we embarked to Spencer’s Plaza on a journey of discovery. Discovery of the perfect kurti top and full sleeve t-shirt that is.
10:45 am: Female friend declares to intention to buy women’s clothing
10:52 am: Author’s heart resumes beating and partial activity returns to both lobes of brain
11:20 am: Enter Spencer’s Plaza
11:25 am: Decide to buy women’s clothing first as we only have 4 hours left before the movie and she needs the time
11:30 am: Decide to visit Pantaloons first
11:32 am: Black t-shirt right length too tight
11:42 am: Maroon t-shirt right fit but too short
11: 43 am: Green t-shirt in right length and fit but not available in pink. Pink has been declared as favourite colour
11:45 am: Author suggests pink t-shirt that seems right in fit and legth. Severe feedback received on the unsuitability of colour of piping. Author requested to refrain from further comment or input
11:47 am: Wonderful yellow t-shirt. She loves it. Things looking good. She asks me if she looks fat in it. Author mentions slight tightness aournd the arms. 10 minutes of abuse evenly split between author and t-shirt. Mothers of both briefly referred to.
11:50 am: Pantaloon found to be severely short on choice, colours and sizes. Female anger let loose on security guard. Cashier however is politely spoken to as he is cute.
12:00 pm: Westside endowed with our attention and time. Initial reaction positive. The lighting highlights complexion well and air conditioning is just right. Saleswomen not hot. Things looking good.
12:05 pm: Kurti in orange has bad red embroidery
12:06 pm: Kurti in orange without embroidery is too plain. I suggest nice brown sleeveless shirt. Curtly reminded of previous request to “SHUT UP WHEN I AM DECIDING!!!”
12:07 pm: Kurti in orange with just the right embroidery. Hurrah. No wait. She already has similar top. Damn.
12:08 pm: Pink t-shirt is perfect but way too tight. Pink is a horrible colour. I agree. Maroon is actually the favourite colour. I am hungry. I agree to that too.
12:15 pm: NOONE WEARS T-SHIRTS ANYMORE. Absolutely I say. Button down shirts here we come.
12:16 pm: Asked to check if neck is too deep. I take my time to decide. Almost gets slapped. No guys around to notice. Phew
12:20 pm: Suggest lunch break. Heavy plastic hanger with metal clips misses right eyeball by inches. Sorry.
12:30 to 2:30 pm: Finally the perfect blue loose shirt with a spot-on neck and an immaculate print design on the front. She tries it on and I tell her she looks like Phoebe in one of the episodes in season 4. This time hanger does not miss. Ouch.
3:00 pm: Paid for the top and its in the bag. We proceed to the men’s section.
3:05 pm: Two shirts, one t-shirt and a pair of jeans tried, packed and paid for. She complains of too much delay and possible missing of movie. I briefly mention the difficulty of shopping with one eye in bandage.
3:30 pm: Madagascar!!!
Man it was a wild shopping trip and Madagascar was an excellent movie. But I think I can do without another trip to Westside for sometime now. I really really like the ability to see and walk you see. So you guys take care till next time when I talk about eating out in Mumbai. Be good, take care, and, as is “en vogue” right now, Salaam Namaste…
P.S. Am going to buy a Wagon R soon. La di da!!!
Interesting blog you have here, I have added it to my list and will check in often!
Best Wishes,
Ken
Read Faster
Ahhhh there you are at last!! and with a really funny blog :)))
I am sure my husband will agree with you word for word
Real funny !! You could very well have named this post as “Idiot’s Guide to Chaperoning a Female shopper”.
Bet, reams studied on consumer psychology and behaviour, don’t really prepare you for this kinda experience. It really worthwhile to leave female shoppers hunting in pairs.
Have you taken your driving licence, yet? That surely would be another story worthy of a blog posting in itself…
finally you post…dude..awesome. and yeah loved madagascar…brilliant stuff.
i like the lemur that has the indian accent thingee.
spencer plaza…i once tried getting to that place from minambakkam. some one told me it was on anna salai. little did i realise that anna salai is 16km long stretch of road or something. well…i neither saw spencers nor anna salai. managed to reach central and catch a train back home to bangalore.
hey nice blog, and well congratulations on buying your car (hope for a test drive when im back), im in europe on exchange and myself am blogging a bit
check out my (mis)adventures on http://niravkanodra.blogspot.com
my sister and most of my friends are shopping fanatics. they are coldblooded and cruel in the mall. u will find me huddled somewhere on the steps with male species baby sitters and kind.
sidin, learning to drive gave me the most hilarious moments, am surprised u take to the road without much ado.
iw
YEAHH….!!!!!!!!!Hes back!!
Hey Sidin, U are back… Nice blog… And, hey good luck for the new car..
To Ken (The first commenter),
U dont need to check in often.. Our man writes only once in a month ;-)))))
finally good to see u post after long.. and as entertaining as ever.
thank god u are back with ur rib tickling style we missed it till now
hope ur life gets more humorous(tongue in cheek)
Typical, and hilarious, when you read it. Not the same when you go through it.
Loved it! When do you plan to do anything about your dimensionally challenged state?
I can instantly identify with you man.
To come out of this situation unscathed, the requirements are a lot of patience & not speaking your mind. The trick I guess lies in saying whatever she wants you to say & saying it convincingly. Thats tough, but it never was easy, was it?
Absolute cracker of a post! Very well written…
Amazing post sidin
Each post of urs gives me sth to boast of abt u being a rectian 
amazing posting….
To save myself from such misery, I had 3 years ago declared never to accompany another female for shopping.
hi sidin, great blog, i mean simply love the way u include evry minutest detail but being from the fairer sex wud like to add one more thing that its really very difficult to get clothes for u guys as well, so wud have appreciated had u been not specific enuff but rather include this bolg as an experience with one such individual, whay say?? but once again, plzz do carry on ur blogs, its awesome..
sidin, finally a competition to the travails……i loved this one!!
best wishes,
surga
And Sidin officially steps into Dave Barry territory. With a nicely done blog might I add
Awsum post…!! Will be keeping a track of ur blog from now on. Btw honestly, how much of it was exaggerated ?? No female cud have hit u with a hangar with such accuracy….!!
Awsum post…!! Will be keeping a track of ur blog from now on. Btw honestly, how much of it was exaggerated ?? No female cud have hit u with a hangar with such accuracy….!!
Wagon R???? checks author profile…. Hey, it says you are a youngish guy, not at 65 year old granny. Wagon R?? Its the blandest car that i have ever driven. You would fall asleep at the wheel even before you shift to 2nd and thats how boring it is to drive.
I thought they were launching a new car in india every day, surely there has to be several better ones.
Good post by the way. Every male would have had an experience like yours. Your friend seems pretty fast (4 hrs!! that must be a record). Glad to see you post again.
Cheers
MALLUZ ROKZ!!!
Hey Sidin…
Remember your old fans… ?
Btw, you changed your picture!!
Which one are you? The clown or the other?
Do tell!! Lovely post… I completely relate to your friend…
I know I’m in the minority here but this one seems an overkill…
Hey man
Good stuff. Congrats on buying the cafe man. WagonR is a good choice.
by the way, I empathise with your friend. There’s a world beyond floral shirts
Can you please elaborate a bit on this “Mothers of both briefly referred to.” ?
dude…I thoroughly empathize with u in this regard.
had such mementous and horrible experiences myself…
Nice post. Actually your female friend is better than me. Had it been me, I’d have left the shop after spending those many hours without finding anything to suit my taste!
Priyanka
Kaps left ur blog add on my comment. I had come across ur Why southirs don’t get.. post on some other blog and had posted a part and a link to the same when kaps said u were the original writer..sorry for the plagiarism though.. it was just a small part.. By the way your blog is very intersting.. had gone through some intersting archives too.. I am actualy looking for a house.. me a bachelor, Hard core non-veg, quit drinking for a while types, want to stay alone types, a girl guest sometime.. any chance?what say?
Its long but can’t help adding, and experince speaks, the surest way to a women’s heart is the aisle of a shopping mall.
????? ???? ???? ??… ??? ???? ????? ?? ???? ????? ???? ??? ??? ?? ?? ???? ??? comment ????? ?? ??? ???? Now English translation for you..
“Hey Sidin, have been reading ur blogs since long, posting a comment for the first time”
Keep the gud work up
Me also started blogging.. But in Hindi.. @ http://www.hindime.blogspot.com
Yours truly, Dragon
Ahem! Do you have any idea on how hard it is to shop with men? For instance, for office wear - do you guys even TRY any other colour than blue?
It’s uhm.. light blue, skyish blue, pale blue, and oh well.. light blue! And trousers - too tight around here, too baggy, I like pleats, I don’t like pleats, this cloth is too thick, are you sure my behind looks nice, are you crazy - nobody other than trump would wear a pink tie!! Phew!!!
Slight exaggerating of the true story never hurts anyone I suppose.
Man, I’m spewing. Why do you get so many comments to your blogs? How did this fan-base start up? hehe.
Don’t give him too much of a big head everyone. He is alright, but a nerd all the same
Well done Sidin. Keep up the posts. Sorry, once again my jealousy escapes me.
xexaggerated but damn funny lol
the piece is hilarious….
can be compared to(and is better than some of)Dave Barry’s and Rahul Phondke’s columns. Keep writing.
trying ur luck wid women and shopping …will ahve to end taht way :))ciao
but dude will you fit in that wagon R..you know it is not that big to fit your big ass
ur posts are hilarious..
Was in splits reading them…
Had received a few posts in forwards from few loyal fans of urs..
However, today was the only day i am not so loaded wth wk, so read all ur posts rite from day 1 at 1 stretch 2day…
I do rmmbr forwarding few posts to fellow Mallus and got ‘Been there, done that’ replies from all..
Especially the ‘Travails of Single South Indian men’ and ‘Phyrds Uykl 33′….
Must say.. u do possess an amazing flair for writing and I think u made the right decision to freelance…
good going…
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