Domain Maximus

“The Travails of Single South Indian men of conservative upbringing” or “Why we don’t get any…”

Yet another action packed weekend in Mumbai, full of fun, frolic and introspection. I have learnt many things. For example having money when none of your friends have any is as good as not having any. And after spending much time in movie theatres, cafes and restaurants I have gathered many insights into the endless monotony that is the love life of south Indian men. What I have unearthed is most disheartening. Disheartening because comprehension of these truths will not change our status anytime soon. However there is also cause for joy. We never stood a chance anyway. What loads the dice against virile, gallant, well educated, good looking, sincere mallus and tams? (Kandus were once among us, but Bangalore has changed all that.)

Our futures are shot to hell as soon as our parents bestow upon us names that are anything but alluring. I cannot imagine a more foolproof way of making sure the child remains single till classified advertisements or that maternal uncle in San Francisco thinks otherwise. Name him “Parthasarathy Venkatachalapthy” and his inherent capability to combat celibacy is obliterated before he could even talk. He will grow to be known as Partha. Before he knows, his smart, seductively named northy classmates start calling him Paratha. No woman in their right minds will go anyway near poor Parthasarathy. His investment banking job doesn’t help either. His employer loves him though. He has no personal life you see. By this time the Sanjay Singhs and Bobby Khans from his class have small businesses of their own and spend 60% of their lives in discos and pubs. The remaining 40% is spent coochicooing with leather and denim clad muses in their penthouse flats on Nepean Sea Road. Business is safely in the hands of the Mallu manager. After all with a name like Blossom Babykutty he cant use his 30000 salary anywhere. Blossom gave up on society when in school they automatically enrolled him for Cookery Classes. Along with all the girls.

Yes my dear reader, nomenclature is the first nail in a coffin of neglect and hormonal pandemonium. In a kinder world they would just name the poor southern male child and throw him off the balcony. “Yes appa we have named him Goundamani…” THUD. Life would have been less kinder to him anyway.

If all the women the Upadhyays, Kumars, Pintos and, god forbid, the Sens and Roys in the world have met were distributed amongst the Arunkumars, Vadukuts and Chandramogans we would all be merry casanovas with 3 to 4 pretty things at each arm. But alas it is not to be. Of course the south Indian women have no such issues. They have names which are like sweet poetry to the ravenous northie hormone tanks. Picture this: “Welcome, and this is my family. This is my daughter Poorni (what a sweet name!!) and my son Ponnalagusamy (er.. hello..)..” Cyanide would not be fast enough for poor Samy. Nothing Samy does will help him. He can pump iron, drive fast cars and wear snazzy clothes, but against a braindead dude called Arjun Singhania he has as much chance of getting any as a Benedictine Monk in a Saharan Seminary.

Couple this with the other failures that have plagued our existence. Any attempt at spiking hair with gel fails miserably. In an hour I have a crown of greasy, smelly fibrous mush. My night ends there. However the northy just has to scream “Wakaw!!!” and you have to peel the women off him to let him breathe. In a disco while we can manage the medium hip shake with neck curls, once the Bhangra starts pumping we are as fluid as cement and gravel in a mixer. Karan Kapoor or Jatin Thapar in the low cut jeans with chaddi strap showing and see through shirt throws his elbows perfectly, the cynosure of all attention. The women love a man who digs pasta and fondue. But why do they not see the simple pleasures of curd rice and coconut chutney? When poor Senthilnathan opens his tiffin box in the office lunch room his female coworkers just dissappear when they see the tamarind rice and poppadums. The have all rematerialised around Bobby Singh who has ordered in Pizza and Garlic bread. (And they have the gall to talk of foreign origin.)

How can a man like me brought up in roomy lungis and oversized polyester shirts ever walk the walk in painted on jeans (that makes a big impression) and neon yellow rib hugging t shirts? All I can do is don my worn “comfort fit” jeans and floral shirt. Which is pretty low on the “Look at me lady” scale, just above fig leaf skirt and feather headgear a la caveman, and a mite below Khakhi Shirt over a red t shirt and baggy khakhi pants and white trainers a la Rajni in “Badsha”.

Sociologically too the tam or mallu man is severely sidelined. An average tam stud stays in a house with, on average, three grandparents, three sets of uncles and aunts, and over 10 children. Not the ideal atmosphere for some intimacy and some full throated “WHOSE YOUR DADDY!!!” at the 3 in the morning. The mallu guy of course is almost always in the gulf working alone on some onshore oil rig in the desert. Rheumatic elbows me thinks.

Alas dear friends we are not just meant to set the nights on fire. We are just not built to be “The Ladies Man”. The black man has hip hop, the white man has rock, the southie guy only has idlis and tomato rasam or an NRI account in South Indian Bank Ernakulam Branch. Alas as our destiny was determined in one fell swoop by our nomenclature, so will our future be. A nice arranged little love story. But the agony of course does not end there. On the first night, as the stud sits on his bed finally within touching distance and whispers his sweet desires into her delectable ear, she blushes, turns around and whispers back “But amma has said only on second saturdays…”

In one last effort here we attractive young men have taken on alter egos which may interest some of you women:

1. Gautam Kumar Raja, will now be known as Joshua Perreira

2. Sidin Sunny Vadukut, henceforth will be known as Dev Chopra

3. Ashwath Venkataraman is now Vijay Desai

4. Sudarshan Ramakrishnan no more, from now he is Barath Sharma

5. Gautam Chandrasekharan will now respond to Alyque Shah

Do mail me any time for a meeting with one of the above. One week notice if Italian or Chinese food is involved, or if the individual is expected to dance.

Tara Rum Palm Palm

The Indian Electorate has finally made its mettle felt. The oldest of political hands have been taught many a stern lesson this time round. Whatever be ones personal political leanings the results this time should have been most heartening to many. The electorate has shown its complete disinterest in being taken for a ride. While it may yet be immature to say that the average Indian voter has come of age, no more is a candidate going to win by default.

While some called it Bharath vs. India, the rural impoverished pitted against the “feel-good” yuppie, the results seem to tell a story scripted differently. The incumbents were told firmly that a spin campaign, reform and ideology alone cannot win votes. Leave alone BPO jobs and public transport, where is the water dudes? Why do I still eat as much as I did five years ago?

But the real lesson is for the congress. This time its the common man shouting “Gharibi Hatao”, not the party manifesto. And its a voice that may be ignored with dire consequences. The secular alliance has to get its act in place very very soon. The electorate has shown that it will be not as forgiving as past electorates, Gandhi family notwithstanding.

Another heartening development has been the emergence of young MPs. Be it silver screen stars or bigwig progeny, a younger government can only bode well for the nation. Its time to get some fresh blood on the LS floor. “India Expiring” has given way to “India Exuberant”. Hope these young turks can get some zip and verve into the Center.

Its a sad demise for Atalji though. Indeed one of the most noble heads of state the country has seen. One politician cadres of any party would mention with utmost respect. However even his demise has a concealed message for the incoming government. The Indian isnt going to fall for the personality anymore. You will have to earn each and every ballot. And for the Congress and its alliance partners, the challenge starts now. We are watching Soniaji, and we wont forget a single thing.

FAQs for Facchas - Part 1

1. Do I need a laptop?

Ans: Not really. We have a very good LAN. And by very good I mean awesome spectacular and all that. And you will never need a laptop for anything. Besides it overheats, slowsdown when people access all the wonderful music you guys bring etc. I have one. But then I have many floral shirts too.

2. What do I bring when I come?

Ans: Adequate clothing. You can wear anything to class. So chill. A set of formals will help. A blazer is good, but junta will buy it for summers later anyway. Bed linen and pillow of course. Table cloths for the hygiene inclined. And rooms will need much dusting in the heat. No buckets or mugs and all that. And please no bags and bags of provisions. There is a student store on campus. Though get a notebook or so if your landing in the nick of time. No buckets and mugs dudes. And of course I can help you shop. I come at 100 rupees an hour, or 60 rupees and hour and dinner.

3. How bad is first year?

Ans: Pretty bad really. Like getting a root canal done everyday for a year. But with the right attitude and decent academic application, you shouldnt find weekly timepass beyond your abilitities. Its not as bad as you think, but then not as chill as you will pray it to be later.

4. Hows the music scene? And movies?

Ans: If you’re the music type, welcome to paradise. You will find everything released ever. Yes, even you demented closet boy band fans will find good pickings. The MAD club has enough movies to cater to all and sundry. LEave no stone unturned and no hard drive unfilled is our motto.

5. What is this ramp party thing?

Ans: Oh extreme enjoyment I say!!! Loud music. And large scale violation of law and order. And will not reflect on any academic record anywhere. Hic!!

6. So how do I get a good summers abroad?

Ans: There are many ways of doing that, and worrying about that now is not one of them. Placecom accepts payments in the form of food, Bacardi and Sylvia Saint. No seriously, dont worry about it. Right now enjoy sleep and three good meals a day.

7. Is there sleep deprivation there?

And: Do Mallus go to the gulf? Does Mirinda make your tongue orange? Yes Yes Yes Yes. You will sleep very little. But not for academic purposes all the time. Biological clocls are not allowed on campus. Besides many tucchas play arabic rock loudly at 3 in the morning.

8. Can I bring a bike on campus?

Ans: Yes. Most useful to carry the truckload of material to your dorm from the case unit.

9. Are there eating out places?

Ans: Its gujjuland. Eating is 70% of the state GDP. YES YES YES.

10. Is this FAQ meant only for IIMA freshers?

Ans: No no no. The rest of you can read it and even take prinouts. But dont use it to poke fun at the IIMA facchas. They need to stock up on all the self esteem they can right now.